4 Words That Secretly Control Your Life

🌀 How hidden language patterns trap you—and how to break free.

Memories

In July 1998, during a rainy summer day, I learned a profound life lesson—one that came courtesy of my daughter, Lucy.

We were on vacation in Brittany, the relentless downpour had confined us inside our old VW camping van. It had already been an emotionally charged summer. Two months earlier, my father had passed away at 70—during an aneurysmectomy that had no reason to fail. The suddenness of it was brutal, made worse by the fact that I never got to say goodbye. When it happened, I was in Guinea-Bissau, covering yet another conflict—a war fueled by the usual Western greed, this time over oil. The senselessness of it left me angry, and now, trapped in a cramped, rain-battered van with grief simmering just beneath the surface, my mood was dark.

To escape the wet monotony, we ventured into town for supplies, including a new pair of boots for Lucy, who was almost five at the time.

At the store, Lucy instantly fell in love with a pair of pink Barbie boots. I, on the other hand, gravitated toward something different. The truth is I did not want for Barbie and her deplorable Western ideals to creep into my daughter’s world, and my irritation was impossible to hide.

It escalated into a standoff. Lucy insisted; I resisted. I knew best, after all.
In the end, Lucy burst into tears, utterly devastated.

That’s when Barbara, her mother, stepped in.
She looked at me, dead serious and calm, and asked:

“What are you doing? When was the last time someone forced you to wear something you didn’t like? And how did it feel?”

Her words were like a slap across the face.
I stood there, stunned. In that moment, I saw myself through Lucy’s eyes. I saw how my own experience—my anger, my grief, my cynicism—had blinded me to hers. Tears were rolling down my face.

I could not believe it: I was doing exactly what I had resented others for doing to me: imposing my “should” and “musts” onto their world.

I woke up.